Saturday, 28 August 2010

"on being reasonable"

ON BEING “REASONABLE!”by Eva Day on Saturday, 17 July 2010 at 01:58
so in a moment of flippant nonsense I dedicate this to all this helpful doctors we have all met along the way and may we all keep a hold of our humour

I went to see a specialist: but “HCV is not that bad” he stated
And then look completely baffled when I got quite agitated
I’m on the edge already, I yelled- with no sense of proportion
-I grabbed his pen and on my notes, I scribbled the word: Caution!
I am happy to report that the virus is now undetected but: beware
I am losing all rationality and patience, as well as lots of hair
Combination therapy and the sides have driven me up the wall
Making both my skin and - as time slows down – the seconds crawl
And anyway, so many medics just talk bollocks and have no real concern
maybe you don’t know much about Hep C – but you don’t seem to want to learn
Zero tolerance (of aggressive patients) says the notice on the board
But I’ve no more patience left for stupid doctors, so put that on my record.
Zero tolerance from me when arrogant practitioners get snooty
So, once when feeling sick – I leaned forward and chucked up on his desk. That was a beauty!
(by eva day)

Monday, 23 August 2010

an ode to my remote control ......

Most excellent gadget and pal

For a sofa –bound, on treatment gal

Watching the telly numbs out my brain

So I trance out with re-runs of Frasier, again

I've dumbed down and daytime tv is a boon

I'm catching up with Jonathon Ross, very soon

Oprah and Ellen and guests having a chat

2 phat ladies, phat phat farm, phat bikers, celebrity phat

House renovations that ended in hell

And the heat's on in the kitchen with top chefs who yell.

Desperate housewives, loose women, and sex in the city

And Stephen on QI being terribly witty

Oh and jo brand is funny and phat

(yup, big it up -- we're back to that)

I'm flicking the channels,

Finding game shows and panels

Of celebrity judges who give a chance

To talented street kids and dogs who can dance


You may think I've lost the plot

And wonder why I do not

Get up off the sofa

-I've become such a loafer

Get out, get a life, turn off the set

Ok, so; you're not on treatment, I bet

by eva day

Thursday, 19 August 2010

Charged Up on Treatment - anacronym poem

C - Confused, as I have brain fog which makes me loose the plot
I stop mid-sentence and forget what I was saying, quite a lot
watch tv for ten minutes and its just strange words in a jumble
or ask a question and no-one understands because I just space out and mumble

H -Hostile: I used to be quiet friendly, now I find people quite annoying:
I get so little pleasure from anything- but have to watch them enjoying!
And when they just WON’T understand that I am bloody sick and tired;
Or they talk crap about Hep C and everything: & it gets me really wired

A - Anxious. feeling jittery and on edge as if I couldn't do another day
can’t say exactly what ‘s the worry; but feel like normal life is slipping fast away :
let go of control, just rest, recover, is advice I’m often given; very wise -
but struggling daily with every simple task, my tension, then, is no surprise

R - Raging. There are buttons to be pushed in me: and those damned fools,
press them all! and expect me to be reasonable, according to the social rules
I feel like there’s a constant stone inside my shoe - and my mind is full of grit
I can hold back, I guess, but there’s a couple of bastards I’d quite like to hit!

G - Grumpy; and it’s no joke: like one of the seven dwarfs, the one who’s cross
My sense of humour’s gone, and patience, along with every other bloody loss
You think I’m edgy, snappy, moody, quite difficult to be around
so would you be, if you were itchy: my head hurts with every sound

E - Emotional. I’ve done the classic laughing / crying mood swing
And felt ten times more intense in response to every little thing
I’m tearful, weepy, sobbing pitifully at a sad film on the telly
Or I’m full of resentment and insecurity, a weight inside my belly

D - Depressed. I know I’ve got to take care of myself, and set small goals
But sometimes think what is the point? often falling into those black holes
I can’t remember when I last had fun, or felt that warmth and glow
Just doing simple tasks, step by step, one day at a time is all i know

U - Unhinged : no boundaries. forget normal social codes, conventions
I get intense. no filters, trying to explain things: messily - but with good intentions.
& such odd thoughts which are disjointed, bizarre and quite demented
resurrecting ghosts I thought had gone : but brooding on past hurts I resented.

P - Paranoid. Uncomfortable, awkward, everywhere I go, as if I don’t belong
Yet socially I used to be so confident , gregarious, bubbly and strong
Now I hear hidden spitefulness in simple statements or an off the cuff remark
Which takes me to suspicion, over analysing, and to places in me very dark.

So there we are then - anything for a bit of a laugh eh!? :wink: :lol: a bit of dark humour I s'pose; so where's the coping strategies for people going loopy on tx?!! I will come back later and post solutions - also rhyme/ anacronym - and inspiration.
(errm, by the way, in case anyone's worried: I have exagerrated a couple of things, and borrowed from other people;s experience; for the purpose of rhyming and artistic license: so it's ok ...... I don't need talking down right now!)

Monday, 16 August 2010

the debris and junk of HCV

From time to time, Heppers have a dialogue with each other about how much they have learned about themselves and life, on treatment.
It amazes and touches me because often the people who say this are often already clearly well –rounded, aware individuals with a bit of life experience under their belts and a thoughtful approach to this business of being human ..... and being on planet earth.
A dragon slayer may describe having found reserves of strength, or patience, of courage which they never knew they had. Buttons get pushed – because of the way that Hep C can affect so many aspects of our lives; work, relationships, attitudes to social issues, compassion for self and others..... So sometimes people discover growth points, personal issues that they want to resolve, blocks that need release .....
A genuine and profound experience, and god knows (and we all know) hard-won indeed through the gruelling slog and the many losses.
Certainly I’ve had huge learning curves and many insights (though probably more questions than conclusions)
However: other times I have waded wearily through masses of sheer mental junk and total dissonance...... I remember wrestling hard with one particular theme over a period of time, wondering if I had discovered some deep-seated complex or personality flaw which might need many therapeutic hours and much contemplation to resolve ....
Until the day came when I realised that it was a random fixation – didn’t really have a great deal of content or a marvellous treasure to be yielded up, should I sift through the crap and murk with sufficient dedication and humility ....... in other words, managing the process rather than investing too much in the content.

Sure, sometimes there have been pearls to be found. Other times I have just found myself obssessing on a theme because it happened to come up at a given time of high levels of general disruption .... and now think it could have been anything, really.
Much of what happens within in hearts and minds and souls through illness may be the unfolding of an extraordinary journey of triumph over adversity and of personal growth. At other times, a great deal of it is sheer dissonance and chemical –induced scrambled circuits ..... letting go of any great compulsion to always figuring out the difference may be a key; and trust that our sould journey will unfold in any event -
I suppose I would say to myself and others: whatever the magnifying glass is focused on at any given time; don’t take it all too personally.
This may not always be who you are ..... but HOW you are, right now ......
The patience, the courage, the compassion, the sheer determination, is unfolding in you all the time – whether you can figure it all out or not. But we do not have to pass any kind of divine, cosmic or psychic test .... all we need do is our best ...
We will not always feel wiser, stronger . Often we may feel diminished ..... Maybe that’s a really special kind of strength, though; when you absolutely have not one reserve left and are completely blind-sided .... yet somehow you keep on going. Find a way to communicate – even if it’s just one word – and to breathe – and even to just zone out. And to do each day .....
Extraordinary and inspiring enough itself, I think; that even when we have no sense of inspiration at all, (and no capacity for distraction) the human spirit and instinct for survival and for life will somehow drive us on: even if we do feel like we are stumbling blind-folded through the junk yards of life

When you all arrive in a better place ... I hope indeed that you will find you have gathered some treasures along the way. Naming them may be meaningful - but the most important things is living them.
Much love to all ...
Eva day