Thursday 6 January 2011

Not about Hep C - about living...

You do not see me, you see my disease, since I am far removed and in a a bubble
I am like a doppelganger, an inverse mirror image of myself, my own weird double.
I do not see me, but feel invasion, swallowed by this relentless virus which impacts
on every aspect of my life, and state of mind and emotions, beyond biological facts.

My body hurts and I am sick, I see my life disintegrate & my thoughts scream in pain.
friendships, work, balance, lifestyle, money, simple functioning, washed down the drain
of a black hole, this enemy that flooded organs, blood, the person and the life I built.
I went through every Hepper's turmoil of reactions, fear, loss, inadequacy, anger, guilt.

But we allow, accept these responses if we meet the fight with spirit and with faith.
even when spirit seemed absent and I felt I was a shadow, empty, ghostly, like a wraith.
though I was lonely, yet I did not wish for you to see me, all I wanted was to hide.
I longed to feel connected but needed to be invisible, disappear behind a wall of pride.

Was it painful when you watched me struggle to stay active, mumble when I tried to speak?
Feeling that I looked like crap, and with mood swings & confusion must seem such a freak.
It was sweet and sad to see your kindness in watching for me when I started to crumble
understanding, patience as my body became weaker and thoughts and feelings such a jumble.

you've missed me yet I've been here & so have you: I needed you to be able to stay close.
But not expect me to respond, do, engage: and to do I did not wish to be vacant or morose.
Thank you and please know you did not see me, the person: you saw the virus take a grip.
It is calming when a friend was a safe presence when I felt my screaming mind would rip.

And yet I know, you did see me, in a deeper, more whole sense, beneath the foggy layers.
For the times you waited, listened, were gently there for me, I hold you in my prayers.
I was bored with living, talking, thinking, swamped with HCV; nothing else had a place.
And now the greatest heat of battle eases of, we need some relief and breathing space.

As new beginnings offer promise, and recovery unfolds, let's walk that road together.
I talked of mists, wind, sun. You were a good companion through every kind of weather.
There is no loss, no struggle, fear, blame or doubt that a dragon fighter cannot release,
In shared support & the beautiful kindness of those who believe in healing & in peace.


with much love to all sharing the dragon fighters battle, eva day. xx

THIS IS ONE OF THREE POEMS WRITTEN TWO MONTHS AFTER END OF TREATMENT, LOOKING AT HOW TO MEET EACH DAY THROUGH SLOW RECOVERY AND TO BEGIN TO LOOK TO NEW HORIZONS AND RECLAIMING LIFE.....

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